Healthy Relationships

Relationships can take many forms, romantic or sexual, platonic, friendship or familial connection, or more. Usually when we talk about a relationship, we’re talking about a person you’ve chosen to connect with in a specific way, whether or not that includes sex or romance.

When in relationships - no matter the structure - you might find yourself doing things a bit differently to other people. No two relationships will be the same, because no two people are the same.

Our relationships are places to find love and be loved, to seek and give support, to learn, to grow, and to change in exciting and positive ways. Relationships also encourage us to be our most honest and open selves, and expect to be supported and loved for who we are.

Good communication: Communication means connection, verbal and non-verbal, direct and indirect. At its most simple, good communication is feeling able to safely voice your thoughts, needs, and feelings while also holding space for feelings, needs, and thoughts of your partner/s in return. You can read more about communication and on this page.

Feeling secure: Trust is important. While things like anxiety can be quite normal when discussing tough topics, a relationship where you feel held and like there is space for addressing and working through those fears can be a really great thing.

Independence and being your own person: New relationships feel amazing and sometimes we want to spend every second with our new boo, but it’s still important and healthy to keep connected with who you are. This doesn’t mean you’re necessarily keeping one foot on the outside, but instead recognise that your partner loves who you are, that who you are is worth that love, and as a result you want to keep in touch with that person.

Coming out to anyone takes preparation. Once you’ve had the conversations, the process of learning new ways to be together, and relate to one another can begin. This may not change at all, or it could be a big shift for both of you.

This period of time can be difficult for you, them, or both of you, for a range of reasons, and it’s reasonable for both of you to want support through this. Finding a good therapist, for either of you as individuals or together as a couple, is a great way to be able to work through this new phase in your relationship in a space that is supportive and caring.

It’s not only good, but important, to set boundaries that will help you feel comfortable and safe when exploring intimacy with new people. Boundaries aren’t a form of limitation, but a way of ensuring you’re able to explore what feels as affirming as possible for everyone involved.

These might include boundaries about your time, for instance only having certain days or times available, or leaving at certain times; boundaries about your body, such as not wanting to be touched in certain places or ways; boundaries about space, including not staying over with other people, or only going out to bars that you’ve been to before and feel safe in; and more.

Good boundaries should be firm but not impenetrable, and as you grow to trust and care for someone, your boundaries may shift, while still respecting both of your needs.

Consent means that you and everyone else involved in an activity (i.e. sex) want to be doing what you’re doing. Consent is often used to talk about how we have sex with people, and it means a mutual agreement between two or more people to do something together. Consent means that an act or action is expected, wanted, enjoyed and able to be stopped at any point without worry.

Consent isn’t something you agree on once and then get on with it, but a process that takes place before, during and even after sex, and what it looks like might change gradually or suddenly depending on a whole range of factors.

Consent is important and necessary not just because it allows us to know what our own wants, needs and boundaries are, but also to be able to communicate these to other people.

Getting consent doesn’t require a boring “yes” or “no”, but can rather play in the world of “god yes”, “not right now”, “let me think about it”, “next time”, and “let’s talk about it later, right now I want to keep doing this!”

No matter how your conversations go, and what you get up to, it’s important to remember that sex is meant to be a fun and enjoyable thing.

Consent is an important and necessary part of any sexual encounter, not just because it allows us to know what we want, but also what we don’t want. While sometimes you immediately know if something isn’t consensual, it can sometimes be difficult to know if consent was present or not, or to know how you feel about it. These kinds of complex feelings are normal, and it’s reasonable to take time to figure out where you sit.

If this occurs with a regular sexual partner or friend, it can be good to ask for some space, or at least to stop having sex while you figure out how you feel. Sometimes consent is broken in small ways, and it can feel good to let a person know that was the case.

However, sometimes a violation of consent can feel much bigger or more difficult. Whatever you have experienced, and whenever it occurred, being subject to sexual assault or coercion is a crime and is never your fault.

Online dating can be a bit part of how people meet and get to know others. Many people find using dating and hook-up sites, or more general social media platforms, to be a way of connecting with interesting people, filtering people they may not feel comfortable with, and even finding romantic and sexual partners.

Like finding love and lovers any other place, online dating experiences can vary from the fantastic to the dreadful, and trans people often report experiencing discrimination on all sorts of dating apps. When approaching online dating, it’s important to look after yourself and have plans in place for support and care, if needed.

Safety is very important when meeting people from the internet, no matter your age or gender. It’s a great idea to meet people in public first, and to let a trusted friend know where you are, who you are with and a general sense of what you’re doing. Letting someone know that you’re going to check in with them at a specific time is another way of letting others know that you’re safe, and that people know where you are. Having an exit plan is also helpful when you’re starting out, text a friend a pre-determined phrase like ‘I forgot the apples’ so they can call and give you an excuse to leave.

Unhealthy relationships can look different ways for everyone. For some people it might mean fighting more, or just not feeling a ‘spark’ anymore. Sometimes you and your partner can make changes to your relationship to help make it healthier, and other times you might choose to leave the relationship.

You may know why the relationship isn’t healthy, or it could relate to something you both recognise but struggle to name, or to find a solution for.

Not every relationship that has conflict, difficulty, or problems is an unhealthy one. An unhealthy relationship is when issues become a pattern or a habit.

Some unhealthy relationships can become healthy over time and with work, others may not get better no matter how much you try. Some relationships may have all of the ‘ingredients’ of a healthy one, but you may still feel like you want to end the relationship. You’re not failing if a relationship doesn’t end up working or being good for you, and you’re allowed to leave.

Unhealthy relationships can be hard to identify, but here are some clues you might be in one:
- We don’t spend quality time together
- I’d rather spend time with friends
- We don’t laugh anymore
- They don’t support me to do the things I want to do
- We aren’t growing and developing together
- We don’t listen to each other
- We don’t have anything in common
- Our values are different
- Neither of us do the things we used to enjoy anymore etc.

Noticing when things feel unhealthy or unbalanced allows us to do regular check-ups for our relationships to make sure they’re healthy, sustainable and empowering. No matter what’s going on in our lives, including navigating gender affirmation and coming out, you deserve for the relationships you are in to be healthy ones.

Sexual assault is any form of sexual intimacy or interaction that occurs without the consent of everyone involved. Sexual assault isn’t just one thing, and can include:
- Image abuse (eg. sending unwanted sexual images)
- Forcing someone to watch porn
- Rape or genital touching or displaying (eg. flashing or masturbating in front of you)
- Pressuring or forcing someone into any sexual activity against their will
- Removing a barrier (eg. a condom) without the other person’s knowledge
- Tricking someone into sex
- Deliberately transmitting an STI
- A sex work client not paying the agreed upon price, or
- Being filmed during sex without consent.

Sexual assault can occur in different situations and settings, including when someone has explicitly said no and been ignored, if they’ve said yes because they feel pressured or are threatened into doing so, because they are so affected by drugs or alcohol that they can’t consent, or because they are a minor and not legally able to consent.

Whatever you have experienced, and whenever it occurred, being subject to sexual assault or coercion is a crime and is never your fault.

Sexual coercion is persuading someone into any sexual scenario by direct or assumed (indirect) threats, manipulation, or persuasion. For example, if you know someone has a history of being violent to others, you may feel coerced into sexual activity with them even though there was no direct threat; or if someone who you live with implies that they require sexual activity in return for providing a place for you to live.

Coercion may feel more difficult to explain than other forms of sexual assault, or “not as bad,” but you have every right to your feelings and to want to respond.

Every person who experiences sexual assault may need a different form of support - it’s okay to be unsure of what you need. Some people will want to see a medical professional, such as a specialist Sexual Assault Service, others will want to report what has happened to the police, and go through the judicial system. No matter what you want to do, it’s valuable to have people you trust, and feel affirmed by, around you.

Support can come from:
- Friends and family
- Partners
- Health professionals
- Specialised Sexual Assault Services
- Colleagues
- Anonymous counselling services like phone support or web chat
- Private therapists or counsellors
- Police and legal services

When you feel able to, it can be helpful to open up to someone about what happened and ask them to help you find other avenues for support, e.g. telling a close friend, who can help you find a therapist; or telling a trusted doctor who can link you up to support services or help you tell people in your life. If you seek support from a health professional, Sexual Assault Service or counsellor, they will not contact police without your consent, unless your safety is at risk.

Learning how to let people in after experiencing sexual assault can feel like relearning how to trust people, or finding new boundaries and limits. It’s okay to take small steps, and approach this slowly and carefully.

Support is still available to you years after an assault, in fact many people don’t seek support until decades after an assault happens. There are also support options for adults who experienced sexual assault as children.