Pronouns

Pronouns are the words we often use to talk about a person when we’re not using their name. These might be he/him, she/her, they/them or other pronouns. Some people use one set of pronouns and some people use more than one. Some people change the pronouns they use at different points in their life, and making sure we use their new ones is an important part of respecting them.

In English, pronouns are gendered, which means that the pronouns we use often refers to that person’s gender. However, because we can’t always tell someone’s gender just from looking at them, we can’t really know what pronouns to use for someone until we ask them.

Asking what someone’s pronouns are might feel weird at first, but it quickly becomes something you do automatically. A good way to start is to offer your own.

Other great ways to offer your pronouns are to include them in your email signature, social media profile or on your business card. Not only does this mean people will always know to use the correct pronouns for you, but it helps to normalise talking and asking about them.

We use pronouns so we don’t have to repeat a person’s name over and over again in a sentence.

In English, we use pronouns all the time, often without realising we’re doing it. Pronouns are the very first tiny step to being gender and trans affirming.

While the most common pronouns are he/him/his and she/her/hers, other sets of pronouns are used by people all the time.

The most common neutral pronouns are they/them/theirs, which many of us use all the time without thinking, especially for people whose gender we don’t know or aren’t sure of.

Singular gender neutral pronouns are not only grammatically correct, they’ve been around for centuries. Gender neutral pronouns are also a polite and easy way to refer to someone whose gender you’re unsure of.

Neo (or new) pronouns are used as an alternative to ‘they’, and include xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, ey/em/eir and more. While the most common neo-pronouns were introduced in the late 20th century, they have been documented in some English dialects since the 18th century.

Using the language people ask us to use for them is not only polite, it’s the right thing to do. Whether someone is using new language for the first time, or has been using it for years, it’s just as important to make sure the ways we refer to them are correct and affirming.

For many trans people, it’s also important to use the right language for them even when talking about them historically, including their pronouns. If this feels difficult, try to think about using their name instead so you get the hang of not using old and incorrect language.

Sometimes it can take a while to get used to the new words someone uses to talk about themselves, but using them and celebrating these changes are a great way to show them that you care about who they are, and are taking their lead that what they are telling you is important.

Pronouns are generally grouped by whether they’re ‘gendered’ or ‘gender neutral’.

Gendered pronouns include:
- he/him/his
- she/her/hers

Gender neutral pronouns include:
- they/them/their

Singular gender neutral pronouns are not only grammatically correct, they’ve been around for centuries. Gender neutral pronouns are also a polite and easy way to refer to someone whose gender you’re unsure of.

Some people use neo-pronouns, such as:
- xe/xem/xyr
- ze/hir/hirs
- ey/em/eir

Neo (or new) pronouns may be used as an alternative to ‘they’. While the most common neo-pronouns were introduced in the late 20th century, they have been documented in some English dialects since the 18th century.

If you’re interested in trying out different pronouns, the secret is you can just start doing it. You don’t need permission to experiment or try something new, and you don’t have to use them forever if it ends up not being for you, either.

Once you’ve decided to try new pronouns it can be useful to first try them out with trusted friends and family members. This might be one person to begin with, such as a friend at school, someone you know online, or an extended family member who supports you.

Remember, there are no pronoun police. If you decide that a pronoun or set of pronouns isn’t for you that’s totally fine, no matter how long you’ve been using them. Gender affirmation isn’t about finding your destination, but continually finding ways to be happy with who you are.